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14 April 2010 @ 12:29 am
in which everything blows up.  

I AM, YOU KNOW, ALRIGHT. EXCEPT THAT I AM GOING CRAZY BECAUSE THINGS. YOU KNOW, THINGS. completely mundane day to day i did not plan or ever even want this for my life type of things.

i feel like i am finally waking up, after a tremendous amount of fuckery and bullshit. i have let so much, for so long, keep me in this mindset of 'this is just the way things are' that i've become a stagnant, unhappy, apathetic and otherwise generally shitty version of myself. where is the me out in the world, DOING THINGS for it? when did i start letting everything make me cry, and cry, and cry until i became nothing but a useless heap incapable of saying anything but i'm overwhelmed? the past few weeks alone i've just lived in a way i'm ashamed to admit. sure, i left the house, sure, i laughed, sure, it's a way to live. but this is not what i want for myself. this is not what i'm capable of.

i am so frustrated that none of this is even making any sense, let alone a thing written with transitions and clear explanations and and and. but my god. GOOD HEAVENS, I AM JUST SO FRUSTRATED.

needless to say, this will all be changing effective immediately, because no thank you, not anymore, no.
Current Music: for now - avenue q.